


Finding Home

by starstrucknic



Category: Akatsuki no Yona | Yona of the Dawn
Genre: Found Family, Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:55:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21844036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starstrucknic/pseuds/starstrucknic
Summary: Words don’t come easy. Sometimes, they fall clumsily from Shin Ah’s lips, a stutteredNowith an elongated‘o’, or a mumbled,I’m sorry, but most times, they just don’t fall at all. Emotions, too, are hard to express. When you spend most of your life in seclusion, even the smallest stimulus can clog the clockwork of your mind. And Shin Ah usually just. Shuts down.Or, a look into Shin Ah's journey navigating his past to present, and how his found family becomes his home.
Comments: 13
Kudos: 91
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	Finding Home

**Author's Note:**

  * For [foxinthestars](https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxinthestars/gifts).



> Hello All! This is my first time participating in Yuletide, and while challenging, it was definitely worth the experience!
> 
> For all the love and support, I have to thank my rock, my love, Tammy T. Without you, this wouldn't have been possible. 
> 
> Please enjoy!

Words don’t come easy. Sometimes, they fall clumsily from Shin Ah’s lips, a stuttered _No_ with an elongated _‘o’_ , or a mumbled, _I’m sorry_ , but most times, they just don’t fall at all. Emotions, too, are hard to express. When you spend most of your life in seclusion, even the smallest stimulus can clog the clockwork of your mind. And Shin Ah usually just. Shuts down. 

Being around Yona’s group has helped, somewhat. The gentle waves of Jae Ha and Hak only a little seriously arguing over the methods of information gathering, Kija and Yoon chattering as they collect medicinal herbs, and Zeno complimenting everyone and everything, help break down the walls he didn’t even know he had built up. And, of course, being around Yona is calming in a way Shin Ah thinks he’s never experienced before. Usually, Shin Ah is just happy to witness the conversations, like an apparition pressed against the glass of a lively household. Occasionally, he is lucky enough to join in. 

Sometimes it’s hard to be near the lively dragons, like staring directly at the sun for too long, and darkness begins to cloud Shin Ah’s eyes. He can’t help but shift focus onto something, anything, else. The expansive blue of the open sky catches his eye; mesmerizing, and vast, Shin Ah feels like he could reach out and ripple waves into the sky. The urge consumes him enough that he almost forgets he isn’t part of that ecosystem, that he can’t just condense into the nothing of the clouds. There’s comfort in the thought of it; he’ll never forget how he started, after all. 

It’s just one of those days when Shin Ah slips away from the campfire, awoken from a bad dream he can’t quite remember just before dawn, and wanders into the forest to survey the surrounding areas. He may not be able to contribute to the conversations, the laughter, but this is something he’s always been good at. Silently, swiftly, surveying the area to make sure the ones he cares for are protected.

He’s just soaking in the rustling leaves, the flowing river, when he hears a gust of wind, and the groan of a disturbed tree. 

“What are you doing out here so early, Shin Ah?” Shin Ah turns to see Jae Ha perched on a nearby tree branch, looking down on him. It would have been startling, but he’s subconsciously always keeping track of the dragon’s location. “Not running away, right?”

Shin Ah has interacted long enough with Jae Ha to realize Jae Ha doesn’t really think he is trying to run away. He sometimes likes to make jokes instead of asking what he really wants to. Shin Ah doesn’t really understand why. In response, Shin Ah can only shake his head. 

“Oh,” Jae Ha replies, jumping onto the ground, and whistling as he walks over to Shin Ah. “Then what are you doing out here alone?”

The words are lost somewhere between his tongue and his teeth, stuck in a battle he knows he will not live long enough to see the results of; too many words have lived and died on his tongue. Instead of the exhaustion of failing, Shin Ah evades responding altogether, and points towards the sky looming behind the mountains in the distance, where the grey clouds have been growing larger in size. 

Jae Ha follows his gesture, and snaps his fingers, “Just checking out the view, then?” 

_No_ , Shin Ah thinks, forlorn, _that’s not it_.

Jae Ha laughs, a little, “The mountains here are beautiful, majestic even. This formation is unique, too, although, it does look strangely familiar. Almost like-” Jae Ha frowns, lost in thought, but jerks a little, and quickly rallies with, “You shouldn’t waste your time out here alone. If you come down into the village with me, we can find something even more beautiful to look at, if you know what I mean.”

Shin Ah shakes his head, and points again at the looming storm clouds. 

“I guess not, then, ha.” Jae Ha’s visible eye squints as he looks again over to where Shin Ah is pointing. “Do you see an army nearby? We are pretty close to the border.”

No, Shin Ah wants to say, but can’t. He shakes his head.

“Hmm,” Jae Ha strokes his chin. Suddenly, he snaps his fingers. “Not an army, but a potential threat? ”

Shin Ah nods. 

“Now that I think about it, this area is known to have random, and sudden storms. You can probably see the cloud formations further out, can’t you?” Jae Ha smiles when Shin Ah nods again. “Nice catch, Shin Ah. Ok, let’s go back to tell the group. Today’s a good day to stay around and gather some supplies, before we make our next big push, anyway.”

Jae Ha gently runs his hand through Shin Ah’s hair. Confused, Shin Ah freezes under the touch. Undeterred, Jae Ha just smiles, and says, “Good job! But you had us worried when we woke up and you weren’t around. Let someone know before you go off on your own, ok?”

 _Strange_ , Shin Ah thinks, but he can’t name what he’s feeling, or why it’s so strange. He worries about the group, but the thought that they would worry about him is, well. Strange. Instead of responding, he lets Jae Ha scoop him up, bridal style, and jump back over to the camp. Huh, he didn’t realize he had wandered quite so far. 

**

 _Monster_ was always on the villagers minds, the tips of their tongues, the clench of their fists. When he was young, Shin Ah had thought there was nothing worse than the loneliness of being looked past, beyond, like a ghost. Even ghosts, at least, have someone who would mourn for them. Soon after Ao dies, however, he realizes there is something worse than the loneliness of being unknown. _Monster_. 

He remembers waking to the smoke, black and thick, snaking through his teeth, down his throat, and burning holes in his lungs. He can’t breathe, he _can’t_ breath, he can’t _breath_ , but he still-

 _The villagers_ , Shin Ah thinks, fear burrowing in his stomach, _something’s wrong_. 

“Shin Ah!” and that’s Kija hovering over him, hand caught in an aborted motion over his mask.

Shin Ah jerks up and away. He feels exposed, like every nerve ending on his skin is on fire, and he can see so clearly, he thinks, his mask has been ripped off, exposing his face, his eyes. _Monster_. 

“Shin Ah,” Kija repeats, and takes a step forward, but hesitates at Shin Ah’s stillness, “are you alright?”

Is he alright? Shin Ah takes stock. He looks around and sees trees, rustled blankets, and some logs, recently cut. A deep breath in, and all he smells is the fresh pine, the damp earth. The smoke is coming from the campfire a few feet away. 

He realizes then that he had fallen asleep leaning against a tree. He is not in his old village, but travelling with his new companions, most of whom have separated to train, gather food, or hunt. Safe.

Shin Ah exhales. He was left to guard camp alone. And he fell asleep. Well. 

“I used to get nightmares,” Kija says, and Shin Ah can focus on the sound of Kija’s voice, can see him, even, as Kija run a hand through his hair, lost in thought, “when I was growing up.”

 _Nightmares_.

“Maybe all of the dragons do,” Kija continues, “sometimes, it would feel like the claws of my ancestors squeezing me awake. I used to think it was because I wasn’t looking hard enough for our master, or studying enough under Grandmother, and that I was a failure as the White Dragon. I used to stay up all night just to avoid sleep.” 

_Failure_.

“Being a Dragon is a great responsibility, a difficult one, but I would not change it for the world. Not after having met the Princess.” Kija focuses his attention back to Shin Ah, and smiles, a soft, gentle uptick of his mouth. “And not after having met you and the other Dragons, my brothers.”

 _Brothers_.

“I don’t know all of your experiences at the Blue Dragon village, but I am your brother now, and I want to-”

_Want to?_

“Shin-Shin Ah-” Kija freezes, eyes comically wide, “There- there’s a, a, a, bug, on you-your shoulder!”

Shin Ah reaches over and pinches the caterpillar that had taken perch in his fur and holds it in front of him. It must have crawled on him when he was leaning against the tree. Shin Ah intends to set it down on the ground somewhere out of Kija’s sight, when suddenly, Jae Ha appears in front of him and plucks it from his fingers.

“Oya, oya,” Jae Ha murmurs, holding the caterpillar closer to his face for inspection, “what do we have here?”

“Where, what,” Kija takes several steps backwards, “Jae Ha, when did you-”

“Arrive,” Jae Ha’s face turns; smile stretched taut enough to be menacing, “right around when you were declaring your undying love for the divine Dragon brotherhood and were about to launch into your Dragon conversion speech.”

“I-I was not going to convert-” Kija begins, affronted, cheeks flushing red, “I wouldn’t _force_ Shin Ah to do, or think, anything untoward. I just-

Jae Ha abruptly twirls around and jumps towards Kija. “Why don’t you say that to your friend, Mr. Caterpillar?”

Kija seems to anticipate the move, and is able to narrowly avoid a bug to the face. “Jae Ha, please, I’m sorry, just don’t-” Kija screams. Jae Ha follows, laughter fading with each bounding step away from their campsite. 

_Brotherhood_ , tastes foreign on Shin Ah’s tongue. But, then again, so does _companion_ , and _friendship_. This, too, Shin Ah will have to adjust to, in time. 

**

 _Cursed eyes_ , they would whisper. Beautiful in their deception, the eyes would lure you in, and kill you if you looked. It was a chant, a curse, a prediction all wrapped into one that the village children would sing as he walked by, Ao in hand. Ao would spit _hide your curse_ , and Shin Ah obeyed. The blue dragon had disgusting, painful eyes, so they must be covered. Shin Ah was disgusting, and could only hurt, so he must be covered. 

His first memory was of the color red staining the ground. Not from his mother, who took her life right after he was born, because he wouldn’t have been old enough to remember that. But from the soldiers he slaughtered with one glance from his cursed eyes. To protect, he had thought, but really, to protect was to kill. The villagers never looked at him the same way again.

Or had Shin Ah not looked at them the same way? It’s hard to say, now, but one thing is for sure. The Blue Dragon’s eyes cannot be trusted, so he keeps them hidden, now, and forever. Even from his companions, just in case. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone, least of all the ones he-

“Zeno wants to sleep with the Blue Dragon!” Zeno, announces, abruptly, and runs over to wrap his arms around Shin Ah’s shoulders. Touch is something Shin Ah had to get used to. The only time anyone touched him before was, well, probably when Ao held his hand. “You want to sleep with me too, right, Shin Ah?”

To want to touch was just as foreign as the act of touching. Shin Ah tilts his head, in contemplation. But before he can say anything, Yoon cuts in with, “Zeno, don’t harass Shin Ah! Let him have some space, if he wants. There are plenty of other people you can sleep with.”

“The Blue Dragon is the warmest, though!” Zeno pouts, and, as if to highlight the point, buries his fingers deeper into his white fur. “And the softest! The kindest! The-”

“Yes, yes, yes, we understand Zeno.” Jae Ha sighs as he pulls Zeno by the collar off of Shin Ah, “But let Shin Ah tell you that it’s ok. Don’t just assume.”

“Green Dragon,” Zeno flails his arms, “let go! Zeno is talking to Shin Ah.”

Somehow, Zeno wriggles out of Jae Ha’s grasp and jumps back onto Shin Ah’s shoulders. “Well, Shin Ah? Is it ok?”

Shin Ah nods.

Zeno turns to face Jae Ha and sticks his tongue out. “See! Zeno can sleep with Shin Ah tonight! Yay!”

“Yes, yes,” Jae Ha sighs, and pulls Zeno off of Shin Ah again, “but first it’s your turn to rinse out the dishes, right?”

Zeno immediately pouts. “Boo, Green Dragon, why?”

Jae Ha laughs. “Why, what? It’s your turn, isn’t it? Unless, you could maybe convince a big, strong man, like, oh, let’s see, Hak-”

A loquat flies through the air and smacks Jae Ha in the face, sending him falling back onto the ground. “Ouch, Hak. Deadly aim, as usual. Careful, my heart just might swoon-”

Another loquat follows the first, from Hak’s general direction, and, again, nails Jae Ha right in the face. 

“Idiot.” Yoon, says, but he’s smiling as he says it. Yona, too, is chuckling from where she is tucked into a very unamused looking Hak. Kija simply shakes his head.

Zeno sighs, and sets his sights back to Shin Ah. “You’ll help me clean up, won’t you, Blue Dragon?”

A pause, in which Zeno patiently awaits Shin Ah’s answer. It takes a moment, but Shin Ah stutters out, “I..can..”

Zeno’s entire face lights up at that. “Yay! Let’s go now, then. The quicker we clean, the sooner we can sleep, right?”

Zeno is back in Shin Ah’s space, gripping his arm and leading him towards the river, dishes in hand. It’s nice, Shin Ah thinks, to be wanted, to be looked for.

“Thank you for helping,” Zeno says, softly, as they scrub away the remnants of the porridge Yoon had made them for dinner. “It’s always nice to hear your voice, Shin Ah.”

Shin Ah, freezes, and looks over to see Zeno staring at him.

“It’s beautiful.” Zeno continues, but then looks away. “It’s nice to hear.”

 _Thank you_ , sticks to his gums, almost breaching his lips, and yet, gets swallowed back down. Instead, he nods, misty eyed, and continues to scrub.

**  
Winter shrugs on its first coat of snow suddenly sometime in the weeks following the dragons all reuniting. Or maybe it’s months. Time, as always, passes in mysterious, non-linear ways, that Shin Ah only vaguely understands. At his old village, he would sometimes accidentally spend days in his cave waiting for a single sunrise. Sometimes, he just gets lost in his own head, where it’s safe and...cold. Cold? No, that isn’t right, it’s-

Shin Ah wakes to snowflakes biting at his cheeks, then his nose, and, finally, his eyes. Once the initial shock of the cold has worn off, Shin Ah realizes that he only felt it because somehow his mask had slipped off during the night, exposing his eyes. Jerking upright, Shin Ah makes sure to quickly pull the mask down, only to realize that the strap had broken off.

“...Shin Ah,” Zeno mumbles from besides him, stifling a yawn as he burrows his head further into Shin Ah’s fur. “...what’s going on? Why are you awake?”

His throat is too constricted to breathe properly, let alone speak. Still, he tries. His lips can shape the ‘m,’ can taste the ‘a’ and the ‘s,’ and can almost tongue the ‘k,’ but his throat closes before he can make the sound come out. Against his will, tears blur his vision, his chest constricting, but just before he teeters off the ledge and into despair, a gentle bump of Zeno’s leg grounds him. 

_Touch_ , Zeno had said, once, can be as telling as spoken word. So, Shin Ah reaches out to touch Zeno’s arm. He can’t quite stop his hand from shaking, and maybe presses too hard, but, he supposes, Zeno gets the idea by how he momentarily rests his hand on Shin Ah’s, a gentle pat, before pulling away. 

With a shaky exhale, Shin Ah places a sleeping Ao on top of Zeno’s chest with his free hand, before quietly shifting out of the blankets. Once he is far enough away from the campsite, Shin Ah takes a deep breath and leans against a nearby tree. That had been… close. Too close. Another way Shin Ah had bared his neck; showed his weakness. Shin Ah thunks his head against the tree one more time for good measure as a reminder, a promise. He can’t become careless. 

Some time searching later, he finds enough straw and is able to make a placeholder string that should hold his mask in place. If he comes across a more suitable material, then he will work to strengthen it, but, for now, it will have to do. With an extra tug, Shin Ah checks that his mask is firmly in place once more, before following his senses back to the remaining dragons and companions. 

He hears them before he sees them. Everything feels crisp, and in focus, so he is able to pick up on their conversation almost immediately once he draws close enough. 

“Well, the White Dragon village would hold beautiful ceremonies. Usually there would be music, and dancers, and a banquet-”

“Banquet! Food!” Zeno cheerfully interjects, raising a fist in the air. “Yes, we should have a banquet!

“A banquet is a good start,” Jae Ha agrees, then glances at Hak, “but the most important part to a New Year’s celebration, really, are the dancers. So, Yona, I think Hak would really like it if you-”

There’s a crash, most likely generated from Jae Ha hitting the ground. “Oh, Hak, please step on me more-”

Again, Jae Ha is cut off, presumably by Hak. And Shin Ah just steps into view at that to reveal, yes, Hak appears to be angrily stepping on Jae Ha. 

“Shin Ah.” Yona says, and Shin Ah looks over to where she is crowded next to Yoon, helping with breakfast. “We missed you this morning!” 

Shin Ah nods in acknowledgement, as if to say, _I missed you, too_. He quietly takes the open spot around the campfire, next to Kija.

“Shin Ah, we’ve decided we are going to hold a New Year’s celebration!” Yona says, gesturing around the group. “To celebrate finding a home away from home!”

Shin Ah tilts his head slightly. New Year’s celebration? He doesn’t… understand what Yona is talking about, but can’t find the words to explain it. Yona seems happy, though, so Shin Ah is happy to participate, or help, in any way that he can. He nods slightly, and Yona’s smile grows even wider.

“Great!” Yoon claps his hands and turns away from the porridge to face the group. “Jae Ha, take me into the village later to grab supplies. We can divide the rest of the responsibilities up after breakfast.”

“Yes, yes.” Jae Ha pulls free from Hak, rubbing his neck. “For this occasion, I will break my rule, and accompany you to the village. But, in return, I want Hak to-”

Jae Ha is cut off, yet again, by Hak pushing him back down to the ground. Jae Ha groans, and grumbles about not wanting to be everyone’s personal horse, but, ultimately, quiets down. 

They eat breakfast as a group, chattering about the things they need to buy, the food they are going to make. Shin Ah politely listens along, but mostly doesn’t know what they are talking about. Fortunately, no one directs any questions at him about the planning of the celebration. For the most part, Shin Ah will just help with whatever he is directed to do.

He may not know what they are celebrating, but he’s happy to just be part of the group celebrating. A concept, Shin Ah never imagined he would ever experience or understand.

How strange. 

**

 _Home_. From the beginning, Shin Ah never really understood what it meant to have somewhere to belong to. After his parents died, he immediately moved in with Ao, the previous Blue Dragon. But even then, _home_ meant waiting in a drafty cabin of seclusion until the next hoard of bandits came to pillage their village. Ao was the closest thing to a parent, a friend, Shin Ah had ever had, but even then, his memories of Ao were framed by anguish. Loneliness. Death.

After Ao passed, Shin Ah spent most of his time alone. _Home_ meant staying away from the villagers, the community, from any semblance of _family_. Eventually, it meant little more than a definition, to him. He’d almost forgotten, even, that it was a word at all. 

The warmth of this campfire burns brighter than any fire Shin Ah has ever experienced. Or, he thinks, maybe it isn’t the fire that’s warm, but the companions surrounding him; Yona, smiling so bright and radiant, as she converses with Yoon and Hak; Zeno offering Shin Ah a fresh dango; Jae Ha gently patting his head; and Kija placing a blanket on his shoulders. 

_Friends_ , Shin Ah thinks, as he looks around. Warmth consumes him.

Snow gently falls down around them, sticking to the ground, the tent, Shin Ah’s eyelashes. He knows that the snow is cold, that he should want to take cover for the night, hide away deep into the earth. And yet, somehow, he doesn’t think he’s felt any warmer; skin rubbed red, chapped nose and lips, cold breath. 

Shin Ah’s mouth upticks into an approximation of a smile, and, he says, “Thank you.”

 _This_ , Shin Ah thinks, _is home_. 

End.


End file.
